Il mestiere di vivere

hayatimin en guzel aniymis, bilmiyordum... some moments in life are the ones that worth so much only after they come to an end. these are the moments which are always remembered to be the best of our lives despite all mistakes, regrets, and even wastes. what makes them so special is maybe the fact that it doesn't feel like a part of your life but rather a deep dream that affects you days and days after waking up. every story belonging to these times feels like coming from years ago and from a different world. most importantly, all the names you remember, every feeling still warming up your heart, every song you listened in one of those moments or while you were biking along the way to your lover, and every smile you can't get out of your mind are the things that can never belong to this world, and to your real life ever. such pure untouched moments in life to be missed forever, no matter how many years pass away..

erken baslayanlar mi hayata yorulurdu en basta? farkinda olmaksizin cilesini ceken insanlarin yolu aslinda ermislige dogru kivrim kivrim kivriliyor muydu da bazilarimizin basina gelen her sey sirf onlar o yola girsinler diye mi geliyordu merak ederim bazen. cunku kendimi de hep onlardan biri sandim ben ezelden... erken kalkan yol alirmis da peki erken yol alan erken mi tukenirdi bunu kimseler soylemedi. muhakkak oyleydi yoksa gencecik bedenlerin altinda siziyan ruhlar boyle halsiz ve buruk, pariltisi yitip gitmis kalmazdi. hayat enerjisi insanin tohumuna serpilmis ve dogumdan itibaren icinde giderek buyuyen bir cevher miydi de acilarla, uzuntulerle, kirginliklar ve yorgunluklarla karsilastikca eskiyip dokulmeye baslasin ve nihayetinde tukenip yok olsun? oyleyse ne zaman bu isik sonmeye baslardi insanin icinde, umudumuz yitince mi; bir daha kalkamayacagina inanarak dusunce mi yoksa ilk kez kadere ictenlikle isyan edince mi? evet bazilarimiz bizim simdi gectigimiz yollari d...

every competition is unfair. no matter what the rules and whoever the players are. it is such a useless effort to try to regulate the market, while you don't even have a fair game at all. the thing is, every game in life that has been played by human beings is a zero-sum game which always favours the enthusiasm of the winners. thus, there needs to be a loser in every game to satisfy the winners not only that but also to satisfy the conditions of the game. because it is a pitcher filled by winners, it brims over with one tiny little drop of loser's surplus. life is all about competition. all about the games without rules. I wish there would be an authority that could regulate our lives when they realise that the conditions of the competition are distorted somehow in us.  déformation professionnelle ! well, this is not just solely about ourselves but rather the life. whatever we do, we engage in some sort of competition by the time we get involved in a relat...

sonunda anladim. ben sevilmek degil sevmek istiyordum, buydu ruhumu doyuran, canima can katan. cunku severken kendi okyanusumun derinliklerine inebiliyordum ancak, el degmemis mercanlar kesfediyordum oralarda; sesi duyulmamis benler vardi asagilarda. yillarca benden biriktirdigim her sey en dibe oturmus bir hazine sandigi gibi bekliyordu kapagini actiracak bir adamin gelmesini, hissetmesini icimde sakli kalanlarin mevcudiyetini; sonra korkusuzca dalabilmesini soguk sulara. oyle ki severken ben de yeniden taniyordum kendimi ve her seferinde tekrar asik oluyordum; fakat bu sefer kendime. sevme kudretinden nasibini almis yuregimin inceliklerine sasip kaliyordum ya, sirf bu yuzden her askta bir baskaydim ben. bundandi belki de hayatima giren erkeklerin kapanan kapilarimin arasina ayaklarini sikistirmalari her defasinda. herkes boylesine sevilmek isterdi elbette. evet, bir isik huzmesi iner gibi aydinlaniyor adeta icime bakisim; ben meger sevdigime degil sevmeye asikmisim. hah, Lord Byron d...

... are they happy? you mean..? people around the world ... I mean right now, just now? maybe are they alone? some. still happy? maybe and the others? maybe why would they be happy? they inherently have it have what? happiness, you don't earn happiness, you're born with it what about us? what about you? I've never been happy never? I've never felt it inside me growing, but rather it came suddenly and disappeared soon after happiness doesn't grow anyway, it's just happiness. either there, or not. what if it doesn't exist anyway? it does. what else would it be? just the absence of grief.

Time is an illusion There are only some things on the surface and some underneath. Nothing changes There are only some things that are clearly visible and some hidden behind Thoughts are not linear It is a circle made up opinions that shade off into each other Nothing is undisputedly right  A glass is always half full and half empty at the same time  Beliefs are not cognisable Sometimes you don’t even remember what you believe in Reality curbs the dreams The fear of uncertainty bridges planning every second Anything existing cannot get lost Insecurity always hides its enemies inside Emotions are not plural in nature There is only pain and non-existence of pain It's not just water flowing down the cheeks When a man cries, tears are squeezed out from his heart   Spoken words do not fly away nor written ones remain  Words ring out in ears forever If you look but do not see; Look at things to see Words come out ...

May, 4 2018 Ema.. Ah, my beauty, the missing half of my life! From the very beginning, I felt “he” would be you. I see now that every moment we share is ruining me a little more. So desperate I am, in front of my faith.. It is so difficult to have to lose you here. Why do I cry now... As if the river I smelled yesterday is flowing splashingly from my eyes! Will I ever forget how you smiled naughtily that day after locking your door and putting the keys in your pocket? Can ever someone else make me forget any face of this passionate, logical, intelligent and funny man I’ve always been searching for? And that thousands of happy, anxious, angry, resentful moments I shared with him? Will this body ever be able to forget that hidden pleasure of fear I felt when he was swinging his arms in excitement while blue thunderbolts were thrown from his mad eyes to mines? What about the guilty pleasure of that morning when you suddenly entered my room and stand against me just like that? ...

Sorunlardan, kavgalardan, kalp kirikliklarindan kacmak cocukluk muydu yoksa hayatin bunlara degmeyecek kadar hizli gectiginin bilincinde olmak miydi? kendinle ilgili cok fazla mi itirafin vardi yoksa bunlar perde arkasina saklanan birer gizden ziyade aciklik ve cesaretle gozler onune serebildigin  kisiliginden parcalar miydi? insanlarin dusuncelerini umursamak istemeden yasanan hayatlar en sonunda yine can yakan sonuclarla geliyorsa karsimiza, baskalarinin sivri mizraklarindan kacarak kendimizi saklamak mi lazimdi yoksa ne kadar hoslanmasak da etimize batan her mizraga bir kufur savurup yoldan sasmamak mi? baskalarinin kisiligin hakkinda sahip oldugu 'yanilgili' yargilarina can sikmak onlarin, sen kabul etmekten kacsan da, senin gercekliginin bir parcasi oldugunun acikli tahakkuku muydu yoksa.. yoksasi yok. sirf 'sen' oldugun icin, bazense 'sen'in sinirlarini kendin belirleyebilmeyi ve bir baska kisilige burunebilmeyi umarak hareket ettigin icin, ustune yigil...

"İlkeleri olan güçlü kadınları kimse sevmez: diger kadinlar kiskanmak illetine yakalanma zayifligini gosterirken; erkekler basit ve ilkel birer organizamaya sahip maskulin argumanlarin arkasina saklanmis korkak yaratiklardir -fakat seviyelerini aşmaya cesaret etmeyecek kadar da ku rnaz."