May, 4

2018

Ema.. Ah, my beauty, the missing half of my life! From the very beginning, I felt “he” would be you. I see now that every moment we share is ruining me a little more. So desperate I am, in front of my faith.. It is so difficult to have to lose you here. Why do I cry now... As if the river I smelled yesterday is flowing splashingly from my eyes! Will I ever forget how you smiled naughtily that day after locking your door and putting the keys in your pocket? Can ever someone else make me forget any face of this passionate, logical, intelligent and funny man I’ve always been searching for? And that thousands of happy, anxious, angry, resentful moments I shared with him? Will this body ever be able to forget that hidden pleasure of fear I felt when he was swinging his arms in excitement while blue thunderbolts were thrown from his mad eyes to mines? What about the guilty pleasure of that morning when you suddenly entered my room and stand against me just like that? I am grateful for thousands of times to that moment when you looked me in the eye while waiting for an answer with patience on bended knees after discussing for hours and driving me into corner with your questions.. I am grateful thousand times for every second you caused me to feel like a mermaid and let me get lost in the depths of the blue of your eyes..  How grateful I am for understanding me, for not being afraid of me, for not running away from me and for making jokes to break the ice after hurting me; for every kiss on my forehead, for every second of leaving the warm and compassionate kisses on my lips, for every time you hugged me as if you will never leave me..  for letting me put my head on the veins, which get visible when you get angry, of your proud neck that reaches those self-confident shoulders. For every second you touch my hair, fondle me with love as if I was your little girl, oh god!  For your existence only, for you being my dreams for years, I am grateful. And for being that gentlemen, thoughtful and grieved; for rolling that cigarettes so thin and neat every time, for every jewel on your neck and on your wrists, for dressing like a “tamarro”, for slightly hiding your upper lip after making a silly joke, for the blue of your eyes turning grievously into grey while your gaze turns away; for looking me in the eyes like a needy baby despite your firm and proud manhood. I am grateful that you are fascinated by talking about politics, immigrants, gypsies and a bit of fascism. And I am grateful for you living your life so parallel to mine for all those years despite the distance between us and being so similar to me. I hope you can forgive me one day for not knowing you enough before and for each time I hurt you. And for dishonouring you and your pride..